How to prevent shark attacks:
1. Don't swim in the sea.
More than 99% of all shark attacks happen in large water masses, also known as oceans. The way to establish if you're in an ocean is to taste the water. It should taste salty.
2. Swim with fat people.
Always make sure there are fat people already in the water before you enter. Chances are you will be able to swim faster than them and save yourself.
3. Don't go in the water without a knife.
That's to stab the nearest swimmer when you see a shark. As soon as he/she bleeds profusely, swim as fast as you can to the shore and claim you tried your best to save him/her. You might end up getting an award for bravery.
4. Listen intently.
All sharks have a 'theme song' - If you hear the following, swim for your life : da-dam, da-dam, da-dam. If it sounds like this dadam, dadam, dadam you're already gone.
5. Don't panic.
Stay calm when a shark bites you. Its over, you're gone and it doesn't help you try and survive. The people on the shore will appreciate it, they don't want to hear your mad yelling and screaming, it's not nice. Please think of the children.....
